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Dear Dr. Neder,
I have bought your book and enjoyed it greatly.
I've always done well with the ladies and reading
your book had taught me another trick or 10. I'm
also of the though that it's a good idea to get
other points of view and so I subscribe to a couple
of other dating newsletters and the likes, but
you're information has been the foundation for
anything else that I read to work though.
In any case I have this question. I was in a
long-term relationship with a very cute girl with
one hell of a temper. She was a brat and I told
her so on many occasions. I don't consider myself
weak by any means so this was not the problem
and I certainly passed all the "Tests"
that were attempted on me. Long story short, enough
was enough and my 2-year relationship ended on
a very good and positive note. I know that sounds
strange, but my Ex and I were always better suited
to being buddies than anything else, it just so
happens that it took us 2 years to figure it out.
The sex was amazing and that alone was the glue
that kept us together for such a long period.
It has now been two years since my ex and I have
stopped being a couple and it's been about 1.5
years of honest to goodness friendship. Everything
was fine until recently that is. You see, I have
noticed that she is trying to "Test"
me once again on certain small things. It's not
very apparent but I'm pretty sure that this is
what's happening.
The actual question I have is why are these tests
happening. My Ex (now my friend) and her boyfriend
are both people I consider my friends, she's more
of a personal friend than he is but that's beside
the point. They also seem to be happy and have
been together for a year. He treats her differently
from what she was used to with me. He gives into
her demands and wishes every time; he apologizes
for things that he doesn't need to apologize for
etc. He exemplifies "wuss" behavior.
I'm sure that you can guess that I didn't let
her get away with walking all over me, when she
asked me to do something, I would say no and if
I thought it would be a nice thing to do I would
do it but only when I decided to. I didn't burry
her in compliments, in fact I gave very few. I
busted on her a lot for silly things she did,
etc. etc. etc.
As far as the tests are concerned, these days
she has gone into old patterns in testing me by
breaking a date. Nowadays they obviously aren't
dates but just get-togethers. She tries to upset
me to see my reactions on the silliest of topics.
Basically every single "Feminine Test"
on the "Books" she has been trying on
me lately and I can't stress enough that this
is something that has only manifested itself in
the past two months.
I think I've just answered my own question but
is it possible that she's trying to get back together
with me? Also, if she is trying to get back with
me then why does she want to get back together
when we both agreed that we were like oil and
water and parted literally as pals?
Thanks for all you do for us guys,
Hello!
First, congratulations on your success, and your
obvious work on your own education! (Your diploma
is in the mail!)
This is a very interesting phenomenon that I've
seen a number of times with others and in my own
life. The key elements are (1) you had a good
sexual relationship; (2) that you are still friends;
(3) that she is with a wussy guy now, and (4)
that you passed her tests regularly.
What I think is actually going on is that she's
"filling in the gaps" for her current
boyfriend through your friendship, and is effectively
testing you because he's failing! I've even come
up with a term for this, "Testing by Proxy".
In effect, she's getting her sex, companionship,
support and maybe even love from her boyfriend,
but she's still missing that masculine sense which
she gets from you!
Interestingly, if you were to break up the friendship,
two things would happen. First, she's probably
break up with her boyfriend soon afterward. The
reason for this is that she'd realize he wasn't
giving her what she needed from him. That masculine
part that she craves was coming from you!
The second thing that would happen is that she's
start being attracted to you again. This need
for the masculine counterpart in women is very
strong. When women are with (or even around) men
that can pass their Tests, they feel as through
they can relax and be the feminine woman they
imagine themselves to be. I've had many women
actually tell me this!
If you ever wanted to start a sexual relationship
with her again, this would be the exact way to
go about it - break up your friendship first.
In your case however, the downside to it is that
you and she don't otherwise fit. You might consider
a "friends with privileges" relationship
if the sex was worth it, but then, I'm sure you
already know how I feel about female friends.
Best regards...
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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question?
I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com
for answers. For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.beingaman.com.
Copyright (c) 2003, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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