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Recently, I’ve been getting more mail from
women complaining that men are sometimes put off
when women approach them. How ludicrous is this?
Men, you’ve had to do all the work for years.
If some women feel good enough about themselves
to take on some of the burden – why turn
them down?
Many men feel intimidated by women that are direct
or even aggressive. It’s time to get your
own ego in check. What’s going on here? Are
some men so insecure that they feel intimidated
by forward women? Well, yes – this sometimes
is the case. On the other hand, many men are tied
into the “attitude relics” of the past
– including that men always have to make
the first move.
To begin, let’s look at why women DON’T
approach men. Here are a few reasons:
1) Most women feel it’s the man’s job
to do the approaching (attitude relic)
2) Women are sometimes even more uneasy about
approaching men than men are about approaching
women
3) Many women have never learned how to approach
men
4) Men often don’t want to be approached
and react poorly to women that do
Women that approach men go through the same anxiety
that most men experience – if they approach
at all. So, the wise man will realize that he
WANTS women to approach him. The trick (as many
women know) is how to be approachable.
Being approachable is a combination of things.
The first key is to make eye contact. Women will
not approach a man whose eyes she can’t see.
Averting one’s eyes is a defensive posture
and tells people not to approach you. If she can’t
see your eyes, she doesn’t know if you’re
shy or dangerous!
The second key is to smile. A smile doesn’t
have to be a full-tooth grin. Just a pleasant
relaxed smile in coordination with eye contact
is perfect. This doesn’t come naturally to
many people and you may need to practice this
in a mirror to make it so. Just look at yourself
and picture the image you want to express to others.
Then, learn how it feels to present that image
on your face.
Eye contact and smiling may also have cultural
implications. In some cultures it is considered
rude to look someone in the eye. In others (such
as Japanese culture), any display of emotion can
be looked down upon. Thus, you should learn the
local customs especially when you’re traveling
and make them work for you – not against
you!
The third key is body language and posture. You
want to evaluate your body’s posture. Slumping
shoulders, crossed arms and legs are “don’t
approach” signals. Another “leave me
alone” sign is turning your back or shoulders
away from someone – or away from the center
of activity. If you’re sitting at a bar,
you are likely facing a wall. Turn around and
face the center of the room (or somewhere away
from the bar itself). Then, don’t slouch.
Sit comfortably up-right with your shoulders up,
back straight and your arms and legs unfolded,
in a relaxed place – over the back of a chair
or on the bar for example. This posture signals
your “openness” to someone’s approach.
If you’re sitting on a bench or couch, don’t
sit close to the edge (signaling your distance).
Don’t sit directly in the middle either (showing
your ownership of the seat). Sit slightly to the
side with room on either side of you for someone
else. This is a universal sign that you can be
approached.
One great tool to use is to imagine someone you
respect entering a room. Think about James Bond
or John Wayne entering a party alone. They show
confidence, class, calm and comfort (the “4
C’s”?). This should be your goal as
well. If you’re not sure how to act, stand
or sit – imagine what they would do in this
particular situation.
Even if you do all of this, don’t be disappointed
if you DON’T get approached. The women that
will make the first move are rare – very
rare. If you’re one of the lucky ones that
get approached, take advantage of this gift!
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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question?
I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com
for answers. For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.beingaman.com.
Copyright (c) 2003, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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