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Ok, so you've been on three dates together and
you're ready for something a little bit more,
er, "mature". How do you go about making
that first move? This article will explore that
important, terrifying step.
Men: unless you're James Bond (by the way - you're
not!) she probably isn't going to excuse herself
and "slip into something more comfortable".
If she does, it's probably going to be some flannel
pajamas, slippers, and a bathrobe - a sign that
she's ready for you to leave!
Women expect that you know when to make your
move. Further, they expect you to be sophisticated
and smooth about it. Clumsy, boyish behavior doesn't
fit with her image of being "swept off her
feet", and you don't really want this critical
step to end in laughter!
The Rules
First, let's explore the rules for The First
Move:
1) Women control the speed of the relationship
- and the sex - not men.
2) Women know if they'll sleep with you within
5 minutes of meeting you.
3) Even if a woman does go out with you, she won't
tell you if she plans to sleep with you or not!
4) Women will usually NOT make the first move.
5) If you don't make the right move at the right
time, the women will usually think you're weak,
an oaf, gay, or just not interested.
6) Women and men view sex differently - women
use sex to bond and create intimacy, men use sex
to decide if they want to get more intimate.
How to Make That "First Move" (for
Men):
Because of the rules stated above, you have to
be somewhat careful of when and where to make
your move. You want this to appear spontaneous,
and, with the right preparation - you can! These
seem to go against each other - prepare to be
spontaneous? Yes - remember the 7 "P's":
"Prior, Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor
Performance!"
Give some thought to your moves before using
them. This will help to make them appear more
comfortable and therefore spontaneous. So, with
that introduction, here are the steps:
1) Be sure you're ready - once you begin, you
can't go back!
Just like that move when you were in High School
where you stretch and your arm "just happens"
to wind up around your date's shoulder, you want
everything to be organized. For example, do you
have a condom with you? You don't? What the hell
are you thinking - forget it until you do! Remember:
"No glove - NO LOVE!"
2) Be reasonably sure she's ready.
How do you know she's ready? You can't really
be 100 percent sure, but you can get pretty close
if you just pay attention. First, is she using
the right body language? For example, is she:
Touching you both accidentally and on purpose?
Sitting or leaning against you?
Looking right into your eyes, examining your face
- especially your mouth?
Leaning toward you as you speak?
Using an "open posture" - arms uncrossed;
legs open, or if crossed, not excluding you?\
Playing with her hair, exposing her palms and
wrists to you?
Also, has she just told you she has an early-morning
meeting, or has relatives staying at her place?
She is probably telling you that this isn't the
right time. In short, be open to clues.
3) Make sure you're in the right place.
Once you get things started, you don't want to
have to stop and drive somewhere else. Why not
get there and then make your move? You'll keep
things from cooling off - and possibly a change
of heart. Also, make sure that you're in a private
setting - even if you're in the back seat of your
car. Nothing spoils the mood like someone watching
(well, unless you both are into that!)
4) Plan plenty of time
Having an appointment in 30 minutes isn't going
to create a romantic atmosphere. Be sure you have
enough time to really spend getting you both ready.
5) Have a proper "build-up"
You don't want to show up at her door, walk in
and start putting on the moves. Poor form old
buddy! Plan a simple, but romantic date. Don't
go to the movies or the theatre - you need time
to talk and establish a connection.
6) Ready? Ok, let's go
So, what's the first thing you should do? Get
your confidence up. Wait for a comfortable break
in the conversation. Then, take her hands in yours,
draw her close to you and gently kiss her on the
lips. Don't shove your tongue down her throat,
and don't kiss her like she's your grandmother.
Make it linger just a little too long, and give
her a chance to respond. You might also want to
offer a back or foot massage - these are almost
impossible to resist!
7) When she's ready to move, she'll usually let
you know
But, what if she doesn't? Some women let you take
charge when they're ready. You can start by kissing
her neck and gently nibbling on her lower lip.
Brush your nose gently around hers. Explore her
neck and face with yours. Run your hands around
her back, then slowly to her ass. Note her reactions.
8) Don't go for the "goodies" until
you've spent some time earning them!
If you're in a hurry to get her out of her clothes,
she'll assume that you're just as fast at everything
else. Let things build on their own - at their
own pace. Let them move along slowly, don't force
them - or get in the way of them either!
How to Make That "First Move" (for
Women):
Frankly, this is a lot easier for women. You
probably already know what to do. Here's a checklist:
1) Make sure you're ready.
If you're trying to seduce him just because you're
afraid of losing him, you're not in the best place
and should reconsider. Also, you should carry
condoms on you. Remember - you both are responsible
for preventing the spread of disease and unwanted
children!
2) Don't worry about him - he's ready!
3) Ask him to go some place more private - like
your place
You don't really need to go into anything more
than this - the invitation is all that's necessary.
4) Let him know that you're ready
If you're not comfortable just telling him (few
women are!), let him know in other ways. Use open
body language, get close to him and use physical
contact, lay your head on this chest, use eye
contact, talk "sex", etc.
5) Important - give the conversation a break!
This is the most often missed aspect of the first
move. If he is politely listening to you and you
go on and on without a break - where's he supposed
to jump in? If you're nervous, this is especially
difficult. Just try to be aware of your conversation.
6) There is nothing wrong with you making the
first move
You absolutely can put your hands on either side
of his face and kiss him. In fact, some men actually
wait for this because they don't know when to
make a move themselves. You can even tell him
that you're ready.
7) Feeling bold?
I've had many women tell me that they were ready
by standing up and stripping for me, or take off
their blouse and turn to walk into the bedroom.
I mean, how obvious do you need to get? If this
doesn't work for him, you've got the wrong guy!
8) Help him along
This is a strange thing to say, but many women
don't understand that their men might not know
what to do - or at least what you like. If you
don't tell him (or subtly show him), how's he
going to know? Believe me, men don't read minds!
First-Sex Etiquette
Many people don't know what to do after the first
sexual experience with a new partner. At least
the first time, don't plan to spend the night.
Why not? If you do, you'll probably need your
regular things for the morning - toothbrush, deodorant,
denture cream, (just kidding!), etc. If you whip
out the over-night kit, all of your work making
this a spontaneous event will be lost.
Also, don't just jump up grab your clothes and
bolt! Spend some time cuddling or at least telling
stories and having a laugh. This doesn't have
to be deep and intimate - just spend some time
saying that you enjoyed each other. You might
want to grab some dessert out of the fridge, or
watch the end of an old movie. Men - if you want
an encore performance, this step is critical!
Finally, have fun! This isn't the end - it's
the beginning!
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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question?
I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com
for answers. For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.beingaman.com.
Copyright (c) 2003, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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