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Hi,
I have a girlfriend and we have been together
almost 5 months now but just recently went on
a break for a couple of days because of a lot
of stupid little fights. It would start by her
telling me off for doing any little thing wrong
and me sticking up for myself, and then it would
turn into an argument. We are back together now
but I can see the same things starting to happen.
My question is, how do I take control of this
situation? She has pretty much been trying to
gain control over me but I’m fighting it.
Thanks for your time and I look forward to hearing
from you.
Hello!
Here's an important rule of relationships: whoever
is least committed to the relationship is in control.
If she senses that you're "detaching"
from the relationship she's going to be much more
compliant.
However, along with detaching, there are some
things you need to know:
1) You have to set the direction and "tone"
of the relationship from the start. That means
that you TELL her what you expect of her; you
don't ask her if she will do this or that. Thus,
you're going to have to decide what that direction
is before you jump into all of this.
2) Your attitude has to be one of, "It's
my way, or the highway". Let me ask you something,
if one of your male friends acted like this, what
would you do? You'd probably stop hanging around
that guy. However, that's not how it works in
relationships. Somebody has to set the carry the
ball, and whoever that is becomes the one "in
control".
3) Be consistent! For example, how many times
have you and your girlfriend gone out and then
you say, "So, where do you want to have dinner?"
Then, she say, "Oh, I don't care, where do
YOU want to eat?", and so it goes. Instead,
start making real plans. Decide what YOU want
first. Then, TELL HER where you're going. This
doesn't mean you have to be a tyrant however.
You might even give her choices, "So, do
you want to go to x or y?"
Further, she may say, "No, I want to go
to [some other place you haven't offered]."
That's ok SOMETIMES (read: less than 50% of the
time), but the rest, you need to tell her what
you want. This can even extend into other areas
of your relationship including what movie to see,
or what you want in bed!
Let's say that she wants to argue over something
like this, what now? Here's what you do. Stop
the car, turn to her and say, "Look, I'm
not going to get into a pissing match with you
over this. If you don't want to do something that's
fine; I'll take you home and I'll go out by myself."
Then, turn the car around and let her convince
you that she's ok with your choices. Once you
do this a few times, she's going to get the message.
My brother, the problem here is simply that she's
in charge of your relationship, and she doesn't
want to be. However, you have to be enough of
a man to stand up and take your place in the relationship.
Until you do this, you're going to be in a constant
battle.
Best regards...
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