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Dr.
I was deeply in love with a woman who said she
was deeply in loved with me. I wanted to marry
her and have kids with her after only being together
for 3 months. She said that she was also read
to settle down. After a couple of months and some
power play games (man vs. woman - i.e. control
issues). I began to take things more seriously
and start making arrangements to marry her. She,
in the mean time started to lose interest in me.
Twice, she wanted to break up with me, but reluctantly
agreed not to after some persuasion.
When she tried to break up with me the third
time, I decided to let her go. She said that she
really wants to move on with her life and date
other guys, but that we can be friends and she
still loves me. I told her I would not feel comfortable
taking one step backwards in our relationship.
She said, "So you can't be a friend but could
be a lover?" This didn't make much sense
to me because I was under the impression that
we were both. She said that I wasn't being fair
by not agreeing to remain her friend.
Is there any thing wrong with me in not wanting
to end up with only being friends with her? I
just want to bring total closure to this with
out feeling like I am the bad guy. I loved her
very much and it pains me that she has backed
away and now wants to only settle with friendship.
I think it would be wise to bring closure, move
on and just keep the good memories.
Confused Love/Friend
Hello Confused!
I understand fully what you're going through.
Let me see if I can give you some perspective
on all of this and then some advice.
First, as you mentioned, just about 3 months
into the relationship, she began doing the "power
play" thing with you. You survived the first
two bouts of this but lost out on the third. She
was trying to tell you something here. These "power
plays" were what I have discovered as "The
Test", and write about in my book, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World". This is an absolutely
textbook case!
It would take another book to go into all the
aspects of "The Test" here, and for
details, I strong recommend that you pick up a
copy of "Being a Man...". However, suffice
it to say that a test is exactly what you described
- it is an artificial situation created to see
who is going to control the relationship. She
wanted someone that would stand up to her and
take control - that is, brave risking losing the
relationship for it. This is the "Knight
in Shining Armor" image, and is ultimately
what The Test is all about. Because she gave you
3 Tests, (2 more than some women would!) she then
felt sure you weren't what she was looking for
and fell out of love with you.
So, let's look at the "friends" issue.
One of the main reasons why women decide that
they want to be friends after all of this is that
they don't want to lose some connection - just
in case she's wrong about men! This is incredible,
but true. She wants to go out and see if she can
find some other guy that will actually pass her
Tests. If she does, (and there are some of us
out here), she will still be close enough to "rub
your nose in it". This whole "being
fair about it" is a classic symptom and the
best evidence that what I'm saying is true.
So, should you be friends with her? Absolutely
not! First, she feels safe expecting this of you
as though she is the bigger person. Of course,
she has nothing to lose! You on the other hand
have your self-respect and dignity, your emotional
well being, etc. There is absolutely no risk to
her in expecting this of you! Further, if she
doesn't find that "Prince Charming",
she can always fall back to you! Does all this
piss you off? Good! It should!
So, what do you do? First, if you really want
to understand The Test and be ready to pass the
next one, (and believe me if not her, someone
else will Test you), pick up my book and commit
it to memory. Second, DO NOT accept being her
friend. In fact, I'd go so far as to be insulted
that she thinks that she can keep you on that
lead! If she wants a pet, tell her to go to the
pound.
Lastly, only you know if there is even the most
remote chance of being with her again. If so,
stop all contact with her right now. She's going
to need some time on her own - alone - to remember
what a great guy you are. Second, when she does
call, you need to be out and having a great time.
This is where you want to get your buddies to
give you a hand. Have them help you get out and
start meeting other women. If you've taken care
of your friendships, they will be there for you
- and will understand what you're going through.
Especially, don't answer the phone on weekends.
Get scarce! Your friends and family will understand
if you don't pick up and have to call them back.
Then, when she does call, be ready to pass her
next test!
Good luck my brother....
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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question?
I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com
for answers. For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.beingaman.com.
Copyright (c) 2003, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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